Despite thinking of writing about this topic for several years, now that I am sitting in front of the computer, this is not easy...

So, a friend commited suicide about 20 years ago. I still get emotional when thinking about it, but will share the story here anyway, in case it is helpful for someone else someday.

Back in the late 1990's...

My employer asked me to build out a small Windows NT based network for our office. We were a family owned Home Automation company with about 30 users, and were in desperate need of an Exchange Server. The intent was to implement a network based calendar to track everything, so that everyone could see what was happening wherever they were, and to setup internal email communications, so there were less phone calls and hand written notes.

Somehow I found Kevin's company, and was very impressed with what he proposed. His mom, for a time, was on the Microsoft board of directors, so it was understandable why he was so computer saavy, as he grew up around computers. He built us a server, helped with ordering a dozen workstations and laptops, and helped me setup and manage the Exchange server and network.  I learned a lot working with him over the years, not only about managing networks and servers, but also how to deal with difficulties. Looking back, one of the things I really admire was his ability to maintain an optimistic and upbeat attitude even when things didn't go smoothly, which was fairly often. He was always laughing...

I had been to his house several times over the years to pick up hardware, and had met his wife. So, while I was a little sad when he told me they were no longer together, we didn't talk about it. We didn't talk about much other than electronics actually, and that was enough. I had grown to not only appreciate his knowledge and expertise, but to like him as a person.

Many years later...

After leaving my employer and starting a company with a couple of partners, he built us a server, and continued to help with our IT needs. One day I had to pick up something at his new home, and was surprised to see the house was still full of unpacked moving boxes. We chatted a little as he was looking thru boxes for a part we needed, and noticing my concern, he casually mentioned that he hadn't had time to unpack. It was obvious the divorce was hard on him, not only personally but also business wise. His wife had also been his accountant and administrative assistant, so her absense affected him on many levels. However, we still didn't talk about his personal life, even at that point.

Then, one day I got a call from him, for personal reasons. He was in jail and needed someone to bail him out. What I remember very clearly, is that he was really more concerned about his dog. Apparently he drank too much at a bar the night before, then walked out to his car, which was parked on the street out front. He was going to rest a little before going home but fell asleep behind the wheel. When police noticed him sitting behind the wheel passed out in front of a bar, he was arrested for public intoxication.

More importantly, his dog, a very friendly Australian Shepherd, was put in the city animal shelter. I knew by the tone of his voice when he called he really needed help, so I didn't think twice, immediately driving to the police station to pay his bail. Later, after he picked up his dog from the shelter, he called to thank me. I thought everything was good, wished him well, and got back to my busy life.

What I didn't know until later, was that he had started drinking after the divorce. I didn't socialize with him outside of work, so I had no idea. I do recall one time him asking if I wanted to get together and have dinner, but I was very busy and told him it might be a week or two. Shortly after, his mother, whom I had met while helping with her home entertainment system years earlier, called to let me know he had killed himself.

Guilt and Regret

I remember going home and just staring at the wall, reflecting on my relationship with him over all of those years. Despite spending so much time together, he hadn't told me he was depressed, or that he was having issues with his business, or that anything at all was wrong.

Maybe if I had taken him up on the invitation to dinner, we could have had that conversation. Maybe if I had stayed with him after bailing him out of jail, we could have had that conversation. Maybe if I had treated him more like a friend, instead of a long time professional aquaintance, we could have had that conversation. Maybe all he needed was to have that conversation with someone, and I wasn't there for him.

The next day I went to Starbucks and ordered his favorite drink, a Venti Americano with 4 packets of sweetener, then drove to his house. I let myself in the backyard, put the drink on the patio table, then sat down and cried.

I am sorry Kevin, so sorry I wasn't there when you needed someone to talk too. I didn't know how much you were hurting. I didn't know...I should have known.

That I remember, very clearly, but I still don't know why he killed himself. It was probably a combination of financial and business issues after his wife left, and of course depression, but that is only a guess. He didn't tell me, because I wasn't there to listen, and I should have been.

I wasn't Kevin's only client, and there were other people in his life, but I wasn't the friend he needed. That is what I regret.

So, those of you who are reading this, please take the time to ask the people you know and interact with how they are doing, and really listen. Sometimes that may be enough to keep someone from deciding that life isn't worth living. It certainly can't hurt, and could possibly help a lot.

20 years later...

Even knowing, with absolute certainty, that consciousness does not end with the death of the physical body, I still feel sadness when reflecting on that experience. Memories are like holograms, they contain a lot of information and can seem very real when re-experiencing them. However, they are only a point-in-time reference of our experience. A sad memory will still bring up emotions of sadness if we remember it 50 years later, even if there is no reason to be sad. That is how the memory is encoded.

Remembering my interactions with Kevin makes me smile. His laugh, I remember to this day. There are many positive memories, and after re-living the whole experience these last couple of days, that is what I choose to focus on. That is what I want to remember. When I remember his laugh, I smile. When I remember bringing coffee the day after his Mom called, I feel sadness. Both memories are still there, they will always be there, but which one I give attention to is what matters.

And, that is the funny part about all of this. When we are engrossed in our lives we have attachments to the people and circumstances we encounter, but all of that changes from life to life. I remember watching the movie "What Dreams May Come" where the Robin Williams character meets his deceased son. The son appears as an adult, so that the recently deceased father would focus on the message, and not the attachment to the idea of his dead son.

Those who are no longer living are not dead and gone, their consciousness has simply changed form. We will meet them again, in another time and place, and all of the experiences we shared, will be seen as simply experiences. We are the ones who get attached to memories and emotions, assign meaning to them, make judgements and come to conclusions, all of which are done from a very limited perspective.

Death is not anything to be afraid of, but we don't need to be in a hurry to get there either. We don't escape our sorrow when we end our life, it simply morphs into something more all encompassing. Again, read "What Dreams May Come", or watch the movie if you prefer. It is all pretty clearly laid out, and it may help those who are dealing with the grief associated with suicide to understand the bigger picture.

And for what it's worth, the book clearly states that those who commit suicide do ultimately come back and get another shot to do it differently, while the movie states that they relive their pain and sorrow forever. That compromise was likely made to not offend people with conventional western religious views. Obviously the book is right, and the view held by many of the Abrahamic religions, that suicide is some sort of unforgivable act that is punished for eternity, is simply not true.

Processing...

For me, this is an important exercise. Even though I was a student of Hans King, and spoke with him many times over the years, I never talked with him about Kevin's death. Those memories were pushed to the back of my awareness, to avoid re-experiencing the sadness.

However, the process of writing this article has allowed me to see the past from a new perspective. And, although the memories are still there, it is more clear that it is up to us how we remember the events of our lives. We choose what we give attention to, and as a result, we choose how we feel.

That process has worked for me, and maybe it can help someone else...